10 Things I Hate About You: Spain Edition

It has been a month since I published my last post. I sound like I'm at a Post-publishers Anonymous meeting just saying that. All I can say is that my life here has been to great of a mystery to myself to even begin to explain it here. Changes come quickly and new experiences move me from feeling to feeling constantly. But I decided it is time to sit down and make sense of my new life in a few simply compartmentalized subtopics of what I've learned up to now:

1) ODD HOUSE QUIRKS
It is actually offensive to walk around barefoot in my apartment. Like I have to wear flip-flops or slippers at all times. In addition, there are no trashcans in the bathrooms. So if I muster up some garbage during my bathroom stay, I must present it to all during my walk to the kitchen trashcan. Which brings me to my next point. I live with six people and we have a kitchen trashcan the size of my big toe. Maybe if you get a fucking larger trashcan, we won't have to take the trash out 600 times per week.

2) I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HATE MY OWN CHILDREN
Like what do you do if you're kid is annoying or a loser or hideous? I know the proper answer: love it anyway. But seriously, becoming a teacher for small children has made me so thankful that I get to say goodbye after an hour-long session and leave their--in most cases with these bourgeoisie folk--nannies to tend to the hideous drooling and complaining. Don't let this lead you to believe that I hate kids, on the contrary, I love kids. I just can't relate to children who don't want to learn and kick and scream at every turn of the page. And then I realize...

3) BAD PARENTS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR CONTAMINATING OUR WORLD WITH SHITTY PEOPLE
Honestly, it's not these kids' fault. They're spoiled brats who don't get a moment of attention out of the day from their own moms and dads. I literally had one kid take off his pants and underwear during our session because his mom left the room and she never shows him any affection. It's totally twisted.

4) SPAIN IS AN 80s REVIVAL, PAULA ABDUL MUSIC VIDEO
How long has it been since you saw a genuine Jheri curl mullet? Now ask me. Oh wait, five minutes ago.

5) SPANISH PEOPLE AREN'T LAZY, THEY JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING ON TIME OR CORRECTLY (hmm, difference? not sure)
My professors generally arrive at class 15 minutes late if they decide to come at all. Everything is closed on Sunday to worship the sweet Lord. Stores shut down to take naps, but they don't have regular hours, it's like actually just whenever the owner wants to take a nap. Like do I need to befriend the owners of the stores I shop at and get on their sleep schedules to go shopping? 

6) DEAR SPAIN, I DON'T CARE HOW HIGH-STRUNG YOU THINK AMERICANS ARE, IT IS PHYSICALLY UNHEALTHY TO EAT DINNER AT 11:00PM

7) FUCK MILITARY TIME

8) DEGRADATION AS A COME-ON TECHNIQUE
Forget whistling and air-kisses, some of these Spanish men have no limits when snarling at me on the street. I actually had a guy break out into applause one night as I was walking to my apartment. Does that work for you psycho?

9) STRANGE OBSESSION WITH HAM HOCKS 
I'm not one of those vegetarians who hates on meat-lovers, but must we display 10 giant pig thighs in the window of every restaurant.

10) FINAL RANT: IF YOU HATE AMERICA SO MUCH, PRODUCE YOUR OWN ENTERTAINMENT
If I close my eyes on a given night in a club in Barcelona, I could actually be transported back into Santa Barbara. I'm talking identical music selection. Rihanna and David Guetta can't be tamed. "Cómo conocí a vuestra madre" ring any bells? Try "How I met your mother." And a movie selection to match. So don't bitch at me about how much my country has fucked up the world. At least you have something to dance to.


Glad that's out of my system, optimist to come!